Euph-off! The Stormy Seas of Passion


I admit it, I got sucked into the internet this morning, and I haven’t laughed so hard in ages, so I wanted to play. Thanks to the lovely ladies at Behind the Chintz Curtain, a naughty good time has been born. I had to try my hand at it. For those who don’t know, this is a challenge to write the most ridiculously euphemistic purple-prose sex scene in recent history, and trust me, it is hilarious.

Special thanks to Oleander Plume and Tamsin Flowers for bringing all this purple loveliness to my Twitter timeline. I feel I have to apologize, but I couldn’t help being inspired by the old Skool Pirate romances in the true Fabio tradition. I feel I should add the disclaimer that Captain Blackraven is really a nobleman in disguise, and the man poor Amethyst Windstrom is betrothed to. In her attempt to escape the marriage, she managed to stow away on the good Captain’s ship, because that is how these things always turn out.

So here it goes. Without further ado, behold!

The Stormy Seas of Passion

by Megan Reel

Captain Blackraven’s boots pounded over the deck as he barked orders at the scurvy bilge-rats he called a crew. Amethyst Windstrom cowered in the corner of the pirate captain’s quarters dreading the moment he came through the door. He had discovered her, and there would be no way for her to save herself now, if she even wanted to be saved.

For the last month, she had been tortured by her lust for him as she disguised herself as his cabin boy. The sea had sculpted his muscles into god-like perfection. Danger she could taste, like the bitter salt of the sea, stormed in the cold, gray depths of his eyes. One look at him made the flesh between her thighs flutter like loose sails and become as slick as the newly swabbed deck.

Her heart beat a tattoo against her chest as the door burst open. He filled the frame, his coal-black hair tied at his nape, and his billowing white shirt open to reveal the hard, masculine planes of his chest.

“You, boy! Or should I say girl,” he growled. “There’s a price to pay for stowing away on my ship.”

“Please have mercy, Captain,” she whimpered, her voice breathy as her insides tossed and pitched like a vessel during a violent storm. “I’m a lady.”

He stalked to her and lifted her in his massive arms. “Not anymore, wench.” His voice rumbled against her neck. He threw her onto the bed, ripping her cloth away that she had used to bind her ivory globes. “You belong to me.”

He surged into the fathomless depths of her sweet clam-shell with the turgid wood of his enormous mast. Tendrils of pleasure like tentacles wound through her moist cave while he plunged into her hidden treasure trove. He plundered her booty, crashing into her with the relentless motion of the stormy tides.

Explosions like cannon fire erupted in her molten core. Her weeping oyster clenched around the velvety steel of his cutlass. Washed away on a wave of pleasure, Amethyst floated on an ocean of bliss as Captain Blackraven’s cannon fired, leaving his thick foam deep within her.

“Oh, Captain,” she sighed. “You ravaged me, you wicked pirate.”

“Nay, wench,” he murmured. “It is I who am lost. For now there will never be another for me. The sweet morning dew of your tight little pearl has bewitched me as completely as the song of a siren. I will throw myself on the warm waters of your reef, for all time.”

The End


A special nod to Tamsin Flowers epic Space Opera. Read it here.